titled v

He [essentially] left her when she needed him most
She who prides herself on not needing not
Needing ever, and yet
He wasn’t there and she needed him she wanted him but

(Was it worth it? Was it worth it?)

He left her when you both
Needed him most and you absorbed
All that angst all that need all that fear
You were awash with left.
You swam here on where are you?

Now look at you.
It’s no wonder.

+++—  abandonment; ne o le kae, Papa?


titled iv

To K, a love of my life:

Yours is the most radiantest, gloriousest, world-shiftingest smile I have ever seen. The emphasis is NB.

Thank you.

+++—  there’s a longer version with more words and things and i think about it often. one day, i’ll write it down. it will not be enough.

things i want to say to you (and hope to one day)

(some I’ve already said)

Dear S (this is momentous; maybe some day I will tell you why),

1. You ever been sitting by a window with the sun streaming through on a winter morning? I asked you this, once. Your response was enthusiastic and welcoming but I don’t remember if I said anything back. I asked you that, once. Because you are the rays of sun. Warm. Light. And sometimes there are clouds but you come back. I like that.

I start with this, this thing I’ve already said to you but part of which I haven’t. Because I hope all that I haven’t said I will get to say. Some day.

2. You’re often the best part of my day. Even when you suck.

3. You once said to me you feel like “in love” should be one word, so you write it that way. I barely made a comment but that stayed with me. I get it. It should be. I hope inlove will be a thing for you one day. It sounds beautiful and peaceful and. You deserve that, okay. I struggle with what the idea of desert truly means but. You deserve that.

4. I want to love you through your bad days. Not out of them. Through them. I want you to feel the extent of your things and I want to be the cushion you lay your head on while you work through the awful. The blanket you wrap yourself with to keep the world at bay, when you need to. I want to love you and love you and love you until my love is the very fabric of you. Until no one can make you question it, not even me. Not even you. Not even you. Until it’s my name on your lips when you wake. Do you understand? Until I’m the calm through all of your storms.

(I hope to say these words to you some day.)

5. I told you I related to a song and I didn’t even know its lyrics. I know the title of the song though and it’s true. That’s what matters. I relate. It’s not entirely healthy but y’know. Right now it’s the truth. I’m jealous of everything and everyone that takes up your time. Same time I’m grateful for everyone and everything that makes you feel good, while taking up that time that I feel like should be mine. Yikes.

6. If you leave, if I leave, if we ever decide no and close this door, I promise to remember this time. Of near perfection. You are everything. Thank you. Don’t leave. Fuck.

7. You’re like…yellow. This is totally selfish but you’ve become my yellow and do you know how amazing that is? Shit.

8. We’re so different. My goodness. I know you think this means we won’t work but dude. I’m going to try. I adore you.

9. The God I have created who created me. Whispers to me sometimes. Always in a low voice. She says. She says, sometimes, don’t fuck this up, wena. not this time. you’re better. i’ve made you better; don’t embarrass me. My God, She doesn’t mince words, wa bona. So what I want to say to you. What I hope to say to you some day is the God I created who created me told me about you. How yas is that? I am better, She said. She told me, so I will be better. You’ll see.

10. (How fragile we are. And yet.)

11. I want you. I want to want you. This is important. I will hold onto it.

12. You make me think.

13. You are soft. You are soft and hard and confusing. Disorienting and I don’t like it. I like you. My God. I enjoy you.

14. You allow me to be. Moody sappy sulky annoying ¿happy? excited sad solemn cagey ridiculous irritating irritable irrational me. You allow me to be even when you don’t like it much and. That is a lot.

15. You very often lift my mood without even trying. Do you know how big that is.

16. Gape ke rata ha o poem’a a bo o tsenya ditlhaka tsele at the end. It always comes unexpectedly and it’s sometimes funny and sometimes mocking and sometimes earnest and sometimes vulnerable. ~

17. Sometimes. Your face makes my chest hurt. There’s that one picture. There are two but really three or four. Five, I think? There are these photos you’ve sent me that make me feel light and weird and scared and wow and. Can you believe that?

18. Damn, sis.

19. I am not entirely sure what “happy” means but I find myself wishing it for you daily. People talk about it like it’s a good thing. Good things. I want you to have all of them. Great things.

(And if you think I am good if you think I am great then I wish me for you too.)

20. You are easily the doe and fawn. Do you remember this? I hope it won’t always be true.

21. Our awkward beginnings. I cherish them. Should I? Tell me. But I do I do.

22. Ahh. When you sing (to me).

23. And oh. When you tell me things. Your things. Ke itumela jang.

24. You don’t fully trust me, I know. Lol. I mean, right back at ya baby. This is a thing. But I hope these are pieces of broken we can put back together. kintsukuroi. This is a word. I hope it means what I read it means. I want it for you and me.

25. For some reason you dislike when I use the word dope. So this is where I use the word dope. Because I like the word dope. Why don’t you? Tell me. Coz you’re dope, man. Quote me.

26. You’re lovely. I tell you all the time. You’re lovely you’re lovely you’re lovely you’re lovely you’re lovely. 5, 10, 15 times, okay?

27. I hope we don’t forget what 15 times means.

28. I want to lick you.

29. When you laugh? Yes.

30. When you let me stare at you for no reason other than I asked? Also yes.

31. And when you indent? Omg.

32. Bruv, even when you typo. Like, also omg. You’ve got me understanding gibberish and isn’t that just a gorgeous thing?

There are things. More things. Ha. Other things I want to tell you and hope to say to you one day but some I’ve already said to you. For now, though, these are the things I want to tell you and hopefully will tell you some day. Even though some I’ve already said.

33. Ke a go leboga. Hashtag deep, but totally unironically.

Forever spilling,
and hopeful, for a change,
and spilling&spilling,
and, y’know, sincerely etc,


titled iii

i stopped sending virtual sunflowers when you we stopped i stopped sending virtual flowers sunflowers when you we stopped i mean i didn’t stop but you stopped i stopped because it stopped feeling right it stopped feeling like the flowers the virtual sunflowers

could grow it stopped feeling like virtual sunflowers were flowers it felt like they were flowers flowers that die flowers die i die i die i stopped sending virtual sunflowers when you we stopped virtual sunflowers i just realised i just realised this because you’ve started you’ve started you’ve

started and the virtual flowers sunflowers the flowers have started they don’t feel like they could grow they don’t feel like but they’ve started they’ve started they look they look like virtual sunflowers again they’ve started but i can’t find the roots i was the roots the roots never were virtual sunflowers have started you’ve started the roots you were the roots i

can’t believe i’m.

back on my bullshit.

+++—  virtual sunflowers

titled ii

I know now, baby.
Why I keep letting people back in.
Back in when they left with a loud shattering no one heard but me.
Back in when they snuck out in the dead
Of night as I was sleeping soundly
In the dead of
Night as I was trusting quietly in the
Dead of night as I was hoping gently they
Walked out in the dead of night
And day it came bright and violent and screaming and
Violent and. Screaming and
Violent and
Bright and burning and searing and beautiful beautiful
As ever as day is blue is sea is water
Is me breaking but –
++++++quietly quietly gently subtly again and again and-
++++++again and again but back –
In, baby.
Because you taught me or I
Learnt from you back in back in it’s
The only rhythm I’ve ever danced to back
In the only rhythm we’ve known back in how did I not see

+++—  I’ve figured it out, baby.

titled i

Here’s a truth about you
You are bad poetry
Clumsy, halting. Hesitant.
So I haven’t been writing.
I haven’t been creating expressing transforming
+++++++++++++++++++++      because you have taken from me
And left.

—  the drop that broke the dam